Tips for co-parenting with a narcissist

Parenthood in itself is challenging enough, that’s what Lily says about her life. But what if you’re dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner? Lily is here to help those in a similar situation!

1. Background

A broken family is already painful. If you also have to deal with a difficult ex-partner, it makes the collaboration even more difficult or even impossible. You may feel insecure, offended, or even scared. But how is co-parenting with a narcissist possible? If all goes well, you should have made agreements on paper, but what it will look like in practice remains to be seen. Your narcissistic ex probably doesn’t love the kids as much as you do, and your ex probably can’t take care of the kids as well as you can.

2. Limit contact

The best thing to do is to accept your ex for who he or she is. No matter how difficult that may be. The traditional form of co-parenting is probably not for you. To prevent your ex from getting a hold of you (again), it’s important to limit contact between you as much as possible. It’s important to set boundaries: from the way you communicate with each other (e.g. via email) to the children’s upbringing and schedules. Do not deviate from this. A narcissist needs boundaries and in this case, a deal is a deal.

3. Ignore abusive comments

It’s in the nature of the beast to insult, manipulate and in some cases even threaten you. A narcissist also doesn’t hesitate to use children as a pawn. Don’t get caught up in this game, because as soon as you take the bait, you’ll relinquish control. Believe in your own strength and trust that you’re a good mom. Or dad.

4. Stay calm

Staying calm when you need to arrange co-parenting with a narcissist? It’s indeed tricky. Be prepared for humiliating words, dominance, and a bombardment of messages when things don’t go your ex’s way. Still, it’s important to stay calm and think rationally. Don’t argue, even if you’re provoked. Stick to the facts, stick to the agreements made and document all communication and agreements in case disputes arise.

5. Be there for your kids

While co-parenting with a narcissist, it’s important to be there for your children. Especially when they need you. There’s a chance that they’ll take out their feelings and frustrations on you. This happens because they feel safe with you. Don’t take this personally, but try to navigate it as best you can and limit it somewhat. After all, you don’t have to accept everything.

6. Communicate clearly

Finally, it’s important to communicate clearly with your ex at all times. Don’t beat around the bush: no means no. You can create a standard message or email for yourself with which you respond to (unauthorised) requests. In it, you state the agreements that have been made on paper, you emphasise that everyone is counting on them and whether or not you can comply with the request.

Love, Skye Lewis ❤

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