Red flags in a relationship you shouldn’t ignore

It’s not always a bed of roses in any relationship. But what are the real red flags that you shouldn’t ignore? Relationship therapist Kenneth opted to write a post for y’all to help out and raise more awareness!

1. ”I’m not put first”

If you have that idea, you also feel less connected to the other person. What you often see is that couples do things more and more independently of each other and end up in a negative spiral. The consequence may be that you feel lonely. A relationship can take quite a lot, and it’s sometimes compared to a rubber band that you stretch over and over again, but there comes a time when the stretch is gone. You can solve this by creating date nights, for example every first Saturday of the month, and you organise them alternately. It doesn’t have to be big events or dinners, and you don’t have to just talk. Do you want to and do you find it difficult to start a good conversation? Then try using a relationship card game, which contains sample questions. Walking together or watching a film can also be pleasant. Does your partner not arrange anything or do you renounce yourself with children or work pressure as an excuse? That basically means that you don’t take your relationship seriously. So you have to hold each other accountable for that. A few things are important to find each other again: ban your phones or at least put them on silent when you go out, be interested in each other, and not in the neighbour’s Instagram updates. And, don’t expect immediate results or change. A relationship is like an oil tanker, it takes a while for it to change course.

2. ”I’m not getting any attention”

All kinds of – legitimate – reasons are often given for this: being busy with work, sports, children, informal care. Not getting or giving attention is a serious relationship problem and this may have to do with the way you’re attached. This attachment takes place mainly in childhood and is further shaped by life experiences and traumas. You may be secure, avoidant, or anxiously attached. No one is 100% secure, anxious or avoidantly attached. The degree of adhesion is somewhere between those three corners. What matters is that old pains are easily touched by a partner. In a good relationship, two partners move with each other, like a dance that’s performed. With fights, you’ll feel safe enough to compete. But when a couple is out of balance, you often see that the ‘leader’ bangs on the door and the other withdraws further and further. Then you no longer move with each other and you become distant from each other. To solve that, you have to learn to listen to each other. The ‘leader’ shouldn’t push and pull, not attack and not force, but rather give the other person space. And the ‘withdrawer’ will have to open his or her door for contact and not squeeze out of the way.

3. ”I feel unsafe to share my emotions”

Suppose your partner doesn’t comfort you when you’re sad. Or in the middle of your crying fit, you pick up the phone call from that one colleague. Then it feels unsafe to show how you feel and you leave it out of your mind to be vulnerable again. One cries, another gets angry, but the door closes more and more. In addition, an emotion such as crying already evokes resistance in yourself. Women often say that they had resolved not to cry and are disappointed when they do. Especially when someone else says that you are ‘so emotional.’ Showing your vulnerability means that you have to feel the pain and everyone wants to stay away from that, which becomes even stronger when you don’t feel supported or comforted. If you always end up in the same diabolical dialogue in which you don’t dare to honestly say how you feel because you know how the other person reacts, then that’s a clear sign of this red flag. You can function perfectly well for a long time without sharing your inner turmoil, but if you keep your deepest emotions bottled up, you’ll eventually feel disconnected from the other person. Is there a lot of focus on others in your relationship, do you talk little about yourself? That, too, is a sign of this red flag. You have to relearn to show each other what you feel and how you react to it. There are very few people who can solve this themselves, often a therapist has to be involved.

4. ”We don’t resolve arguments”

It pops, but it’s not resolved, it’s not discussed. There are plenty of couples who, after an argument, just pretend nothing happened and focus on children, work, life again. It’s not smart not to talk out an argument. Because a conflict that lingers will ‘fester.’ Actually, this is where almost all the red flags come together. Unresolved arguments are like a plate of spaghetti in which all the strings are mixed up, and the trick is to pick them up string by string and unravel your relationship. During an argument, people share valuable information, because they throw everything out without a filter. That’s why never arguing is just as much a red flag, because if you cover everything with the cloak of love, it’s going to fester just as well. If you find it difficult to resolve a conflict, discuss the argument as if it were a film you watched together. So what happened? You play this out in the third person: he said that and she responded. By using a helicopter view to see where things went wrong, you can find a way to resolve the dispute. No one can sustain this technique for long, but it’s often a good start to a solution. Important: don’t talk until you’ve both calmed down and make sure you move from reproach to desire. Say: I’m sorry you’re late, I’m having a bad day and need your support. In short, switch quickly to needs and desires.

5. Lastly: breaking up isn’t easy

Red flags are always a sign that something’s going on. Above all, don’t let them flutter for too long and put in the work. Either by looking for a solution, together or with a therapist. Or by leaving, although that isn’t so easy. There are several reasons for this, often people go through different processes when they consider breaking up the relationship. In all processes, both your internal (what you think of it) and external (what do others think) critic play a role. Suppose you fall in love with someone else and cheat. Then you disappoint yourself, because this may not meet your own standards and values. And you’re also afraid of what the outside world thinks of this. Nobody likes to hang out their dirty laundry. But also think of reasons such as fear of change. Knowing what you have now – even if it’s not good – and not what you’ll get in the future. The fear of being and staying alone can also play a role. Better a bad relationship than no relationship. Don’t give up, finish what you’ve started and stay together for the children – also legitimate and often heard considerations.

Love, Skye Lewis ❤

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